“I think I love people more when they hurt me.” My college friend Maya said to me.

She laughed, and looked down at her phone. Like she was subconsciously ashamed.

Once every few months, she has a new situationship. They’re all the same.

Avoidant of course. They’re mysterious, quiet, cute (duh!), and all unavailable.

She’d have the most amazing date with them, then agonize for a few days, trying to figure out if they want to be in a relationship with her.

The ones who got further, they’d eventually break up in 6 months.

She’d text them, “I feel like you’re a wall.”

And they’d say, “Okay.” or “Sorry.”

It was heartbreaking for me to see her go through the same anxious-avoidant cycle over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. I’ve lost count of how many situationships she’s had!

Plot twist… Maya was my old self. Before I embarked on my healing journey, going from anxiously attached and codependent to secure attachment.

Why was I, or millions of people this way? We learned it in childhood. Because we never learned genuine love from our caregivers (the most heartbreaking part is: they never learned it from their parents either).

Most importantly, our culture doesn’t help. When we switch on Netflix or whatever’s playing on TV, most ‘relationships’ portrayed are anxious-avoidant, trauma-bonded or toxic.

Real, genuine love doesn’t involve lying, cheating, chasing, withdrawing, or screaming.

That’s drama. Addictive stories that capitalists wrote so we’d tune in and pay the monthly subscription fee.

As a result… Millions of us have never experienced real, unconditional love.

We copy what we watch on TV, what we learned from our parents.

We think we have to feel pain in relationships.

Here are 7 signs you’ve never experienced real, genuine love before.

1. You think pain means love

Did you ever lose sleep over them, thinking because their love makes you feel insane passion?

Or maybe you couldn’t eat, because their love makes you feel insane chemistry?

I used to think the person who hurt me the most mattered the most.

I lived my life asking, “How do I get them to love me?”

Instead of asking, “Do they make me feel loved?”

Why you feel this way:

• You nervous system learned to associate longing with love.
• You might’ve grown up in a home where there was warmth one day, cold the next.
• You think the anxiety of not knowing where you stand with someone is love.

Journal prompt

Think of the person who hurt you the most. Did you feel more attached before or after they hurt you? What does that tell you about what you learned love feels like?

Tip: You can use a tool like the Attached app’s psychology-backed journal to guide you through your discovery process.

2. You chase distant people

You had one deep conversation or an amazing date with them. But then nothing from them. So you start working.

You stalk them all over, you find out his mother’s sister’s daughter’s address (cause you were trying to figure out if that’s his girlfriend).

You think, “I could literally work as a detective, I’m SO good.”

Why you feel this way

• Maybe you learned to become so lovable so that your unavailable caregiver would stay. You thought: “If I try hard enough, love will come”
• You brain thinks of distance as danger.
• Your nervous system sees closeness as safety.
• Important: the more they pull away, the more attached you’ll feel

Journal prompt

Describe the last person you chased. What did they give you just enough of to keep you hooked? What would you have done if they'd been fully available from the start?

3. You feel bored when someone shows interest

Maybe they asked for your number first, texts you first, wants to treat you nice. But you think: “Where’s the spark?”

I used to think this meant I would find a movie-esque romance.

But turns out I just loved pain.

Peace felt suspicious to me.

Why you feel this way:

• If you grew up in an unpredictable home, your nervous system continuously scans for threats. That unpredictability becomes your “normal”, your baseline.
• When someone’s consistent and peaceful, your nervous system doesn’t like the quiet because it doesn’t feel “normal”.
• Essentially, you are unconsciously recreating the familiar. Because that’s what’s safe to your system.

Journal prompt:

Think of someone who liked you clearly and consistently. Did you pull away, find flaws, or lose interest? What story were you telling yourself about them, and what were you actually afraid of?

4. You feel proud when you tolerate mistreatment

“I’m loyal”.

“I don’t give up on people”

I thought, “Suffering is love!”

The more I suffered in a relationship, the more I thought it was meant to be.

I learned that from my mother. Who also never received genuine love.

Now, looking back, I laugh (or cry) at how much pain I tolerated.

One of my exes walked off from our date when I did something that triggered him.

(Trigger warning) Another one threatened to take his life, and refused to face the person who was most worried about him for two weeks after (me).

Why you feel this way

• Maybe you grew up with an emotionally unavailable caregiver. So you learned to suppress your own needs in order to be loved.
• So self-abandonment feels like love to you. That’s not real love.

Journal prompt: Write down one thing you tolerated in a past relationship. What did you tell yourself it meant about them? What did it actually cost you?

5. You don’t trust easy love.

They said: “I like you.” You think: “Why?”

You feel suspicious if someone is kind, shows up or reciprocates.

Because in your experience, someone is warm to you because they wanted something.

Why you feel this way:

• If love felt conditional in childhood, you learned that kindness is a transaction.
• Your nervous system thinks consistent warmth with no strings attached is a trick
• You may have a defectiveness schema — the belief that if someone really saw you, they wouldn’t stay. And if they really did, you think, they just don’t really know me yet.

Journal prompt: Think of a time someone offered you love or kindness that felt too easy. What did you do with it, did you receive it, deflect it, test it, or destroy it? What were you trying to protect yourself from?

6. You say their inconsistency is “complicated”

As I was disorganized with one of my exes, this was actually me.

I was the complicated one, and my ex called me “complicated”.

I’d disappear, I made no introductions. I used him as my unpaid therapist. I was avoidant with him. He listened to all my work stress and issues in life.

Now I know, he was avoiding his loneliness by staying busy, trying to fix me. A part of me still feel guilty for mistreating his kindness.

Why you feel this way:

• Inconsistency (intermittent reinforcement in psychology) is addictive. If reward comes randomly, the brain becomes obsessed with chasing it.
• A partner who is sometimes warm, sometimes cold, sometimes present, sometimes gone, creates the same neurological loop.
• What feels like love might just be your brain refusing to walk away from an unfinished game

Journal prompt:

Write down every excuse you've made for someone's inconsistency. Now read them back as if a friend wrote them to you about their relationship. What would you tell them?

7. You feel more alive when the relationship is unstable

Maybe your relationship looks the same every time.

You get together, break up, have the best break up sex, then you get back together.

Your relationship wasn’t intense because it was deep. It was intense because it was unstable. The only kind of “love” you both learned at home.

Why you feel this way:

• If you grew up in a chaotic home, your nervous system loves instability. Because it’s what felt like regulation to you.
• Knowing that your relationship is bad for you doesn’t fix it because logic can’t fix your nervous system. You have to rewire your brain and body slowly

So what should real love actually feel like?

• You say something vulnerable and your body doesn't flood with regret afterward - because they make you feel seen.
• They don’t make you feel uncertain. You feel like yourself.
• You trust that they’ll be there for you.
• You can repair after a conflict.
• You don’t have to shrink or feel small.
• Your body feels relaxed around them, you feel comfort.
• You feel more energized than before
• You feel curious about them.
• They bring out a better version of you, or inspire you to be better.

This slow burn is someone who gets better over time. The spark may not always lead to real love.

The app to help you feel better, less anxious immediately

Love shouldn't be painful.

The No.1 app to help you explore your relationships and attachment style so you can become happy and free, backed by attachment science.

The Attached app helps make this process easier with:

• Daily Exercises for habit-building
• Self-Soothe Mode for tough emotional moments
• Journal to find hidden emotional patterns
• Weekly insights from Eden, your relationship guide

Download Attached for free and start working toward healthy love.