Situationship Anxiety: Why Undefined Relationships Hit Anxious Attachment Hardest

In one study, women were most attracted to the guys whose interest was unclear. I read that and thought, oh, so that explains my entire 2021.

We'd been seeing each other for four months when my mom asked what his name was. I said "just a guy" and changed the subject. We hung out most Saturdays, and I never knew if he'd text about the next one.

If you're anxiously attached, a situationship can feel like being on hold forever.

You've Been "Talking" for Months

You talk most days. You've met maybe one of their friends. There's chemistry, and there's no plan past this weekend. Nobody's said what this is, and asking feels like it might ruin it.

For a lot of us, that setup is pretty miserable.

Why Not Knowing Keeps Them on Your Mind

In a 2011 study from the University of Virginia and Harvard, 47 college women looked at Facebook profiles of men who they were told had seen their profiles. Some were told the men liked them the most. Some were told the men liked them about average. The last group was told it could be either.

The women who didn't know were the most attracted. They also said the men popped into their heads more than the women who knew the men liked them best.

So some of that pull you feel might just be your brain wanting an answer it can't get yet. I found that really comforting. My brain just hated an open question.

Why Anxious Attachment Feels It More

Mikulincer and Shaver, two of the big names in attachment research, call what anxiously attached people do here "hyperactivating." When you can't tell if they're into you, your body basically turns the alarm up. You check your phone more, overthink more, and try harder. A situationship never gives that alarm a clear answer, so it just keeps going.

You feel it in your body too. In a 2011 study, people who'd recently been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex while thinking about being rejected. The same parts of the brain lit up as when they felt physical pain. So when your chest actually hurts on a day they don't text back, your brain is handling it a lot like an injury.

If You Spiral When They Don't Text Back

You send a funny meme at 2pm. By 6pm, nothing. You check if it was delivered. You reread your last three messages to see what you did wrong. You start drafting a "no worries if you're busy!" text.

In that moment, I'd just try to get my body out of alarm mode first. Ride the Storm walks you through it until the wave passes. Once you're calm, you'll think more clearly about whether the silence actually means anything.

If You Keep Asking "What Are We?" in Your Head but Never Out Loud

This was me for four months. I'd rehearse the conversation in the shower, then see him and talk about his fantasy football league instead.

When I finally asked, I said something like "I really like hanging out with you. Are you seeing other people?" It was awkward. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted, and that hurt, but I knew where I stood for the first time in months.

A few other ways to ask that don't feel like a test:

• "I'm looking for something that's going somewhere. Where are you at?"
• "I like where this is going. Do you see us being exclusive at some point?"
• "I've noticed I'm starting to want more from this. Can we talk about it?"

Before you ask, get clear on what you actually want. Forward-looking journaling helps you figure that out before you're in front of them.

If You Have to Pretend Like You Don't Think About Him All Day

You agree to plans you don't really want. You edit your texts three times so they sound chill. You never bring up the thing that bugged you, because you don't want to be "too much."

Making yourself smaller so they keep picking you might be fawning, and it shows up more when nobody's said what this is. On a calmer day, shadow journaling can help you see what you're afraid will happen if you show up as yourself.

If You Already Know You Want More

Plot twist: the scariest part is usually deciding what you'll do with the answer.

Before the talk, think through both answers. If they say yes, great. If they say "I don't want anything serious," what will you do? It's a lot easier to keep your word to yourself when you've decided ahead of time.

If your stomach's in knots right before, a Daily Check-in can calm your nervous system enough that you say what you meant to say.

The Attached App Makes This Easier

If your body already expects people to leave, not knowing where you stand is going to hit you harder. Journaling with actual prompts made it way easier for me to figure out what I wanted.

• Shadow journaling for what the waiting brings up
• CBT journaling for the "if I ask, they'll leave" story
• Forward-looking journaling for learning secure attachment, growth, and new behavior

Because changing doesn't come from writing the same wound forever. Changing starts when the page asks a better question.