Yes, Avoidants Can Change. But Not the Way You Think

Yes.

But not through pressure, persuasion, or panic. Avoidants change through safety.

I used to think avoidants were hopeless. That they’d never open up. That they’d always vanish when things got too close. But that belief came from my own anxious wiring, from the ache of wanting someone who couldn’t meet me halfway.

Then I learned this: avoidance isn’t apathy. It’s defense.

Why avoidants pull away

Avoidant attachment forms early, usually when a child’s emotional needs were met with rejection, criticism, or inconsistency. So the child learns: “It’s safer not to need anyone.”

That belief doesn’t vanish in adulthood. It just gets smarter. Avoidants grow into adults who prize control, space, and logic. When intimacy deepens, they feel a body-level alarm. Their nervous system screams, “Too close—back up.”

So they pull away to feel safe again.

Can they unlearn it?

Yes. But the process is slow, internal, and deeply sensory.

Avoidants don’t change through emotional lectures or dramatic ultimatums. They change through consistency. Through repeated experiences of closeness that don’t overwhelm them.

When love starts to feel safe instead of consuming, their system rewires.

Research backs this up: attachment isn’t fixed. In a 2011 longitudinal study (Fraley et al.), adults who experienced consistent, supportive relationships over time did shift toward secure attachment. Their avoidance scores dropped as emotional trust increased.

The brain rewrites itself through safety, not shame.

What helps avoidants actually change:

1. Safe emotional pacing. They need space to open up gradually, without being interrogated.
2. Non-reactive partners. When their silence doesn’t cause panic, they start to associate intimacy with calm.
3. Therapy focused on attachment. Therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or schema therapy help them identify the fear under their withdrawal.
4. Learning to self-soothe differently. Avoidants often regulate by cutting off. Healing means learning to stay with emotion, not run from it.

Change happens when they realize: connection doesn’t equal control.

What it looks like when they start to heal:

They text back instead of disappearing. They share something vulnerable, then stay to see what happens. They stop needing to win every argument. They start asking, “Are you okay?” instead of assuming they’ll be blamed.

It’s subtle at first. But those small moments? They’re everything.

Because change for an avoidant isn’t about suddenly becoming needy, it’s about learning that love can feel safe and free.

The app to help people with insecure attachment heal

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The Attached app helps make this process easier with: • Using the best parts of CBT, ACT, IFS and IPF for healing • Self-Soothe Mode for tough emotional moments • Journal to find hidden emotional patterns • Weekly insights from Eden, your relationship guide

Download Attached for free and start working toward secure attachment.

References: • Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. • Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., Brumbaugh, C. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2011). • Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). • Johnson, S. M. (2019).