Why Avoidants Always Have Their Headphones In (Including My 67-Year-Old Dad)

I had a fight with my avoidant 67 y/o father yesterday. He didn't know how to use the Uber app and we were late for our flight. He was getting SO stressed.

I told him we could just change our pick up location, but he insisted on cancelling our current ride and start all over.

He shouted.

Then, snatched the phone and cancelled while I was modifying our location.

I immediately felt triggered.

Once we got in our Uber, he immediately fished for his phone. Noise cancelling headphones in.

And we stayed in silent the entire ride.

I pretended to stared out of the window.

I knew we were both angry. But only one of us disappeared.

He had his headphones in. My chest was turning.

But inside, my thoughts were swirling:

“You don’t listen.”
“You don’t trust me.”
“You shut me out.”

And that’s when it clicked for me.

This is what so many of us live with.

Avoidant parents. Avoidant partners. Avoidant friends.

Always “busy.”
Always “tired.”
Always “with their headphones in.”

This isn’t just about music.

This is about attachment style.

This is about how some people escape closeness the second it feels too much.

What Avoidant Headphones Really Say

Avoidant attachment style (dismissive-avoidant) shows up as:

“I’m fine on my own.”
“I don’t need anyone.”
“Feelings are… a lot.”

Research on adult attachment shows that avoidant people tend to value independence, downplay intimacy, and pull away when someone gets emotionally close.

So what do headphones do for an avoidant person?

They:

Create a private bubble.
Signal “I’m busy, don’t talk to me.”
Give them something to focus on that is not you.

In psychology, this is a deactivating strategy.

From the outside, it looks cold.

Inside, it usually feels like relief + guilt.

How Avoidant Attachment Learns to Hide Behind Devices

Since I’ve had memories as a child, my father has always had his headphones in.

Picking me up from school? Headphones in. Breakfast at home? Headphones in.

The one thing that did change was he switched from wired headphones to bluetooth headphones.

Attachment theory says our style begins with our earliest caregivers.

If your caregiver:

Seemed annoyed by your needs
Pulled away when you cried
Rewarded you when you were “low maintenance”

…you may have learned one big rule:

“If I need less, love stays.

If I need more, people leave or snap.”

So as a child, you shut feelings down.

Fast-forward 40+ years.

When you felt stupid for not knowing how to use an app. Or exposed. Or out of control.

You feel this old shame boiling up.

You grab the phone. You assert control.

You cancel the ride instead of admit, “I’m lost.”

Then, once the fight cools, your brain still swirls:

“Too much. Too close. I need out.”

They are the grown-up version of going silent in your room.

Headphones = Suppression

Avoidants regulate emotions by suppression.

They push feelings down, avoid talking about them, and distract themselves.

It’s not always conscious. Their body just reaches for the phone.

Their hand knows the script before their mouth does.

And here is the painful part:

Research also shows that these distancing, suppressing strategies don’t actually calm people down on the inside. Avoidant people may look cool and detached, but their emotional arousal often stays high.

So when your avoidant dad has his headphones in?

He might not be “over it.”

He might be silently stewing, replaying the moment he felt stupid, cornered, exposed.

My dad, your dad or your partner might be carrying these hidden beliefs:

“If I show weakness, I’ll be judged.”
“If I let you in, you’ll control me.”
“If I depend on you, I’ll lose myself.”

How This Lands For Anxious And Secure Partners

If you lean anxious attachment, the headphones hit hard.

You might feel:

Rejected
Unimportant
Desperate to fix it

You might:

Ask, “Are you mad at me?” five times
Start a new argument just to get a reaction
Go quiet but burn inside

How To Talk About The Headphone Habit Without Attacking

If you want to make a change:

1. Don’t start the talk mid-headphone.

Choose a calm moment. Not when they are already shut down.

2. Use “I feel” instead of “You always.”

“I feel shut out when the headphones go in right after a fight.”
“I feel lonely when we travel together and don’t speak.”

3. Describe the scene, not their character.

Don’t say: “You’re so avoidant and selfish.”

Try: “Earlier in the taxi, we had that tense moment with the Uber app. Then you put your headphones in, and we stayed silent. That felt painful for me.”

4. Ask a curious question.

“What happens for you when you put your headphones in after we argue?”
“Does it help you calm down? Or feel safer?”

If You’re The Avoidant One (Or You Love An Avoidant Person)

If you recognize yourself in my dad, this part is for you.

I’m sorry you learned distance for a reason. That must’ve been so tough. It probably kept you safe once.

But you can’t build close relationships with a wall in your ears.

Small experiments you can try:

Name your need for space out loud.

“I’m really overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to cool down, then I want to talk.”
Delay the headphones. Just for a bit.

Give yourself a rule:

“I wait 5 minutes after conflict before I put them on.”

Sometimes that tiny gap is enough to say one kind sentence first.
Share the music instead of using it as a shield.
- “Can I play you this song I use to calm down?”
- Sit together. One earbud each.
  
  Same headphones. Different meaning.
Notice the trigger before the habit.

When your hand reaches for your phone, ask:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Shame? Fear? Helplessness? Anger?

Using An Attachment Style App To Catch These Moments

You don’t have to figure this out in your head.

You can actually track it.

An attachment-focused app (like Attached) can help you:

Identify your attachment style (avoidant, anxious, secure, or disorganized).
Journal in real time:

“We argued at the airport → I grabbed my headphones → I felt stupid and small.”
Spot patterns: the people, places, and topics that make you want to disappear.
Practice new scripts with guided exercises instead of improvising in the moment.

When we understand our style and practice different emotion-regulation strategies, our relationships can become more stable and satisfying over time.

You can write a new one.

That Uber Ride Still Hurts

I truly saw just how avoidant my father was in that moment. It hurts to think about the painful memories he had as a child, that led him to shutting down and shame spiraling so quickly.

But it also hurts me, because this is an old wound that still hurts.

My younger self felt ignored, neglected, whenever my dad has his headphones in.

But here’s what I remind myself now:

Headphones is there to help him to overcome his overwhelm and shame.

That’s why I’m so passionate about the Attached app.

Because you’re capable of rewriting these moments, so it stops hurting those around us.

You can learn to say:

“I’m stressed. I don’t know what I’m doing with this app.

I feel stupid. Please be patient with me.”

That one sentence can do more for your attachment than a hundred silent rides.

The app to help you feel better, less anxious immediately

Love shouldn’t feel like chasing someone’s attention while they disappear into their headphones. The Attached app helps you explore your relationships and attachment style so you can become happier and freer, backed by attachment science.

The Attached app helps make this process easier with:

Daily Exercises for habit-building
Self-Soothe Mode for tough emotional moments (so you don’t have to shut down or escape)
Journal to find hidden emotional patterns
Weekly insights from Eden, your relationship guide

Download Attached for free and start working toward security, one day at a time.