You watch them play video games for hours. You’ve said it a million times—“Can you just be more present with me?” They nod, maybe they even promise to change. But tomorrow, it’s the same. You feel ignored, rejected, and worst of all… alone in your relationship. (I know because like you, I've been there!)

You might be thinking, If I could just fix this one thing about them, everything would feel better.

Today we'll dive into why, how but most importantly, what if the answer isn’t about changing them at all?

Why you want to fix them so badly

You’re not crazy or needy for wanting more. When your partner pulls away, emotionally or physically—it hurts. Especially if you have an anxious attachment style, your brain sees that distance as danger. So, you try to close the gap.

You might nag. You might cry. You might Google “how to make them stop gaming all day.”

But underneath it all, your nervous system is saying: “I’m scared. I don’t feel safe. Please come back to me.”

Trying to fix them becomes a way to fix your anxiety. But it rarely works—and only makes you feel more powerless.

The psychology behind it

People with anxious attachment often fear being abandoned or not good enough. When your partner is distant—especially avoidant or emotionally shut down—it activates your fight-or-flight response.

Here’s what’s happening in your body:

• Your brain sees emotional distance as a threat.
• Your nervous system goes into survival mode.
• You try to control the situation to feel safe again.

This control might look like “fixing” them: asking them to talk more, spend more time with you, stop shutting down.

But here’s the truth: you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. And trying to force it often drives them further away.

Why you can’t fix them

I know, I'm sorry.

This is hard to hear, but it’s true: You’re not their therapist. You’re not their parent. You’re not in control of their healing.

Attachment patterns—like avoidance, emotional disconnection, or distraction with things like gaming—come from their past. Just like your anxiety comes from yours.

No amount of love, effort, or logic can change someone who isn’t ready or willing. And if you’re constantly trying to fix them, you might be hurting yourself more than helping the relationship.

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Instead of asking “How do I fix them?”...

Try asking:

1. Am I trying to fix them because I don’t feel safe in this relationship?
2. Have I clearly expressed my needs in a calm, loving way?
3. Is this behavior a true dealbreaker for me, or just triggering my old wounds?
4. If they never changed, would I feel respected and valued long-term?
5. Where did this fixation of "fixing" someone come from?

You deserve a partner who meets you halfway. But you also deserve to understand why this hurts so much.

The real fix: what if it's you, not them?

This isn’t about blaming yourself. But if you keep trying to fix them, ask: What part of me feels out of control unless they change?

That part might come from childhood, where love felt uncertain or inconsistent. That part might say, “If I can control them, I can finally feel safe.”

But real safety comes from within.

Start here:

• Self-soothe when you feel triggered. Use grounding exercises, journaling, or deep breathing.
• Set boundaries instead of begging for behavior changes.
• Talk to a therapist or coach who understands attachment styles.
• Use tools like the Attached app to explore your patterns and find calm in yourself.

You don’t need to fix them. You need to come home to yourself.

They don’t need to change for you to be okay

It’s beautiful to want closeness. But chasing change in someone else often leaves you feeling empty. Let go of the fixer role. Hold on to your worth. And remember: real love doesn’t ask you to chase or shrink—it invites you to grow.

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If you're tired of wanting your partner to change

If you’re tired of wanting to change your partner, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your brain got used to thinking love means anxiety. But the good news is, you can rewire your patterns and start feeling attracted to people who actually make you feel safe, seen, and calm.

The Attached app helps make this process easier with:

• Daily Quests for habit-building
• Help Mode for tough emotional moments
• AI Journal to find hidden emotional patterns
• Weekly Coaching from Eden, your relationship guide
  

Download Attached for free and start working toward not having to chase your avoidant partner.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.
• Wright, B. L., & Loving, T. J. (2011). Health Implications of Conflict in Close Relationships
• Lee, A., & Hankin, B. L. (2009). Insecure Attachment and Depression in Adolescents

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