Do You Have Anxious Attachment? Here's How to Fix It According to Science

Do You Have Anxious Attachment? Here's How to Fix It According to Science

Or, you replay that conversation you had last night with them again for the thousandth time. What did I do this time? Why are they acting cold again?

They head out to an event, and you check your phone consistently. What if they meet someone hotter, cooler, smarter, and they decide to leave me?

If these thoughts sound familiar, you might be experiencing anxious attachment—a pattern that affects how you connect with others and view yourself in relationships.

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Life

Friendships

• You worry your friends secretly don't like you
• You feel hurt if they don't invite you to every event
• You overthink social interactions and messages

Romantic Relationships

• You feel panic when your partner pulls away, even for a little
• You need constant reassurance that they love you
• You fear abandonment and rejection constantly

Work and Professional Life

• You fear disappointing your boss or colleagues
• You take feedback personally and overthink mistakes
• You struggle with imposter syndrome

Common Signs of Anxious Attachment

• Jealousy and Insecurity: You get jealous easily and feel insecure, even when things are fine
• Conflict Avoidance: You avoid conflict, even when you're upset
• Self-Doubt: You worry you'll never be enough for others
• Overthinking: You replay conversations and interactions repeatedly

Maybe you're exhausted by these thoughts. It's like you're trapped in a mental prison. These thoughts replay in your head over, and over, and over again.

Worst of all, maybe you've lost people because of these thoughts. But, you just can't seem to control them.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

How the Brain Works 101

Your brain takes in millions of bits of information every second. Early experiences create a map of the world to tell your brain what to think. Your early experiences are the foundation of the house you build in adult life.

As a child, if your caregivers correctly responded to your needs, you likely feel safe in relationships. This means: you trust others, feel loved, find it easy to be honest and open.

If your caregivers didn't meet your needs, you may feel unsafe now as an adult.

You see the world through a lens of shame or fear.

Relationships feel hard and stressful—you have an insecure attachment.

All without us realizing that we had been wearing a pair of rose-tinted distorted glasses.

Do your relationships feel emotionally intense? Like a battlefield?

That's because insecure attachment can trigger strong emotional reactions.

It's why you had such emotional roller-coasters with that person who always put up a wall. It's because you trigger each other.

Why Anxious Attachment Matters

Attachment shapes the way you think, feel, and connect.

Every thought you have about your worth and relationships can be traced back to these early patterns.

Unfortunately, our stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem are linked to our attachment too.

Maybe you feel you're constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of making mistakes.

Our attachment style might've also caused us misunderstandings and conflict.

Maybe you were just trying to get closer to them, but you come across as too clingy or demanding… when all you want is to feel safe.

Our patterns in relationships don't just disappear as we grow older—they follow us until we consciously work on them.

Your attachment style is not your fault, and it can be changed.

We all have the power to build stronger, healthier connections, and feel more at peace.

How to Heal Anxious Attachment

Step 1: Practice Self-Soothing

Learn to calm yourself when emotions feel overwhelming. Try deep breathing, meditation, or a quiet walk. Journaling can also help you sort through your thoughts. The goal is to feel okay even when things seem uncertain.

Self-Soothing Techniques:

• Deep breathing exercises
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Mindfulness meditation
• Journaling your thoughts and feelings
• Engaging in activities you enjoy

Step 2: Build Better Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on trust and communication. Start by setting clear boundaries. Let people know what you need without fear. Choose friends and partners who respect you and make you feel secure.

Building Healthy Relationships:

• Set clear, respectful boundaries
• Communicate your needs openly
• Choose people who respect and support you
• Practice vulnerability gradually
• Learn to trust your instincts

Step 3: Identify Triggers and Patterns

Pay attention to what sets off your anxiety. Is it when someone doesn't text back? When plans change? Once you know your triggers, you can work on responding in healthier ways. Over time, you'll start creating new patterns that feel less stressful and more secure.

Common Triggers to Watch For:

• Delayed responses to messages
• Changes in plans or routines
• Perceived rejection or criticism
• Uncertainty about relationship status
• Comparison to others

Step 4: Challenge Negative Thoughts

Learn to recognize and challenge the automatic negative thoughts that fuel your anxiety. Ask yourself: "Is this thought based on facts or fears?" "What evidence do I have for this belief?"

Thought-Challenging Questions:

• What evidence supports this thought?
• What evidence contradicts it?
• What would I tell a friend in this situation?
• Is this thought helping or hurting me?

Understanding the Science Behind Attachment

Research shows that our attachment patterns are deeply rooted in our early experiences and can significantly impact our mental health and relationships throughout our lives.

Key Research Findings:

• Attachment styles influence how we process emotions and stress
• Insecure attachment is linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression
• Our attachment patterns can change with conscious effort and therapy
• Early intervention can prevent long-term relationship difficulties

When to Seek Professional Help

While self-help strategies can be effective, consider seeking professional support if:

• Your anxiety significantly impacts your daily life
• You're experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts
• Your relationships are consistently suffering
• Self-help strategies aren't providing enough relief

Therapy, particularly approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Attachment-Based Therapy, can provide structured support for healing anxious attachment.

Final Thoughts

Healing anxious attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, self-compassion, and consistent effort. Remember that change takes time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process.

The most important step is recognizing that you deserve to feel secure and loved in your relationships.

Whether you're just beginning to understand your attachment patterns or you've been working on them for years, every step toward healing is valuable. You have the power to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

How do you distinguish anxious attachment from love? Try this quiz to learn more about your attachment style:

References

• Wright, B. L., & Loving, T. J. (2011). Health Implications of Conflict in Close Relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass.
• Lee, A., & Hankin, B. L. (2009). Insecure Attachment, Dysfunctional Attitudes, and Low Self-Esteem Predicting Prospective Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety During Adolescence. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology.
• Kamkar, K., Doyle, A.-B., & Markiewicz, D. (2012). Insecure Attachment to Parents and Depressive Symptoms in Early Adolescence: Mediating Roles of Attributions and Self-esteem. International Journal of Psychological Studies.
• Goswami, A., & Bhambri, S. (2024). Attachment-Related Anxiety & Attachment-Related Avoidance, and Self Esteem. International Journal for Multidisciplinary Research.
• Goodall, K. (2015). Individual Differences in the Regulation of Positive Emotion: The Role of Attachment and Self Esteem. Personality and Individual Differences.